Log in

No account? Create an account
24 February 2009 @ 07:12 pm
I haven't fasted for months, due to being in recovery. I feel a bit icky, but I have missed fasting.
Only 42 hours so far. I don't want to go on for too long this time, because it might do some bad damage.
I'm thinking until about 12 tomorrow? That's 60 hours. Nice, round number. Lunchtime is at 12.50 though, and by the time I get out of class, it'll be 1.00pm. Which makes it 61 hours, which is not a round number. Arghh.

I have a headache. And I didn't want to go to school today. Not just because I felt ill, but I just felt too depressed to get out of bed. I actually cried. I fucking hate life.

(L) ♥

13 January 2009 @ 10:17 pm
I just fucking failed my science GCSE.

I feel very depressed. The first thing I want to do is fast. Then cut.

I want some control in my life.

11 January 2009 @ 10:58 pm

Another day gone by...

Science GCSE tomorrow. Fail.
Massively stressful week ahead. I really want my pottery to hurry up and arrive. I need to de-stress already.

And I cannot stop thinking about what people see when they look at me. Fat, obviously.116lb of pure fatness. *Sigh* I hate recovery sometimes. I wish for the days when I looked thinner. I know I did. Still wasn't thin enough, but it was closer than I am now. 27lb heavier than before recovery. My face looks so round in the mirror, so I just avoid looking altogether. My gap between my thighs is closing up. Gradually every day getting smaller. All of my clothes are tight, because I've gone up to a size 8. I wish I was a size 6. One of the good things I've gotten out of it I suppose is that my bra size has gone up. AA to an A now. I need to go shopping for some new clothes.

I know my friends and parents are proud of me for going through with all of this, but I just wish they'd take no notice of me. I could have just gone on how I was.

Because I no longer have my control over my eating, where do I get my control from now?

(L) ♥

09 January 2009 @ 06:37 pm

Today was...interesting.
I had the assessment at the eating disorder clinic today.
They said that if I was living in Toronto (some visitor doctors from Toronto were watching in on my session), I would have been in hospital when I was at my lowest weight. But then, they said they didn't understand how I've gained back all the weight (and more) so quickly. They said that given what I eat every day, it doesn't add up.
I don't get it either, because I haven't eaten in excess. Well, I have for what I'm used to, but not compared to what normal people eat.
Basically, they said I was doing well so far, and that I am doing well at recovering from Anorexia. My parents weren't keen to admit that I had anorexia. I knew the diagnosis was coming, so I just kind of sat there. They did say that when they were looking in (there had cameras in the corners of the room, so all the sessions were recorded) that I looked very nervous when they mentioned the whole Anorexia thing. Pff, what do I know? I don't remember feeling nervous.
Basically, I'm going to meet with them again next Friday with either my mom or dad. Hooray. Not.

And...Connexions called. I haven't heard from them since July. I have a meeting next Thursday with someone. I can't remember her name.
But my parents don't know about Connexions, so shh. Hehe.

(L) ♥

08 January 2009 @ 11:50 pm
I have a headache.

Someone kill me before I have a chance to go to the eating disorder clinic tomorrow.
06 January 2009 @ 11:19 pm
I just thought I'd post some recent and not too recent pictures of me. See how much weight I've put on since November.

Some pictures of me and some friends...Collapse )
06 January 2009 @ 10:52 pm
Why aren't the sleeping pills taking effect yet? I took them almost 2 hours ago. Bleh.

Pretty sucky day. I've learned that I'm extremely stupid and dumb. 10 our of 20 in a physics test, 18 out of 25 in a chemistry test. What a failure. I usually get good marks in chemistry. Last time I got 19 out of 20. What the fuck happened this time?

I've got Panic! At The Disco going round in my head. Mad as Rabbits. I quite like that song. ♫♫
Music in a way is my little lifeline. It's my escape, my passion. I love it. I love listening to it, I love playing it. I can just sit for ages listening to music. P!ATD, Daft Punk, MCR, Fall Out Boy, Kings Of Leon...I like loads of different genres. I even like the odd bit of classical. But I suppose I have a connection to it, because I play an instrument. Wow, random =/

My stomach isn't as bulgy today. I haven't had dinner, just lots of nibbly bits. A lot of carbs. 2 sandwiches, 2 crumpets and an english muffin. And a banana. Lunch was better. 100g grapes, 4 strawberries (I gave one to my friend), a sandwich, a cereal bar, cheese-string (They're actually quite good for you apparently, and the only kind of cheese I can eat, because I hate cheese), and some apple. Breakfast was cereal, as usual. Ooh, that was quite detailed for me...

Ack, this girl keeps on signing in on MSN, saying things like "my mum thinks im annerexic" (Spell it RIGHT) and "is bread fattenin?" (Again, SPELLING). Spelling is one of the things that pisses me off. I'm a Grammar-Nazi you see. And what she says just plain annoys me sometimes. I just felt like telling her "noo, breads not fattenin! yhu can eat tuns of it!1!" Nah, I'm joking. I like to think I'm not that mean.

Anyway, I should shut up and try to sleep.
(L) ♥
05 January 2009 @ 11:34 pm
So tired. Not physically tired, but mentally. All of these irrational thoughts are doing my head in. It's like an angel and a devil sitting on my shoulder. The angel is telling me to be good, and eat. Just for my family and friends, who care for me. And to show them and myself that I am capable of getting better. Then, there is the devil. The devil is telling me that I am fat, worthless and stupid. No one cares about me, and I don't deserve to eat.
I know who I should believe.

All this crap about angels and devils...where the hell did that come from? I wish it didn't have to be like that. No angel, no devil. Just me. Normal, healthy me. That's why I have an assessment at the eating disorder clinic on Friday. To be healthy. To get rid of this evil, controlling side of me.

I think I need to de-stress. I have a headache, and my chest hurts =[
The doctor said my chest would stop hurting weeks ago, but it hasn't.
I need to paint some pottery. When will my pottery arrive...?
And I need to clean my room...it's a massive cluttery mess, full of junk and shit I should have thrown out years ago...

I can hear my mom laughing. Wow, that's weird. Doesn't happen that often around my dad. Maybe they're getting along better now. If they are, then why is she still not wearing her wedding ring?

I really should go to bed. I have school tomorrow, and a GCSE science module next Monday. Massive revision cramming session tomorrow as well, with two double sciences. Wow, my life is so very scheduled. I don't have Oboe lessons tomorrow though, so that is a plus, because I have more time to do my homework.

Bed. Stop rambling. Jeez.

(L) ♥